I have been feeling a little off recently. OK, whom am I kidding? I haven’t felt my normal self since the Pea was born more than eight months ago. Before you laugh at me – I don’t mean feeling like a spring chicken ready to play a round of beach volley before breakfast. Those days are LONG gone.

After Pea’s birth, which was a beautifully peaceful elective C-section, I had left the hospital on a high. A couple of days later, the baby blues had kicked in. Floods of tears, unstoppable, incontrollable crying, anxiousness… you name it. It only lasted for a week or two, however, once the tears ebbed off, a heavy numbness took their place.

Little L’s birth a couple of years ago had left me in such a state of shock; I can’t really tell you if I have been feeling blue or not. I was way too busy to get over my trauma to realise anything.

They say the baby blues usually doesn’t last more than a month. If symptoms persevere, talk to your midwife or doctor. Maybe I should have sought help around Christmas, when the Pea turned three months old*. I remember having the family here and I remember feeling… nothing. I usually love Christmas, so I put on my best happy face. I behaved in a way that I thought appropriate according to the feelings I was supposed to have but hadn’t.

I just realised how mad this sounds.

Gradually, I started to feel better. We sorted out Pea’s reflux, then her food intolerances, I started to sleep more, eat better, exercise again, work (I LOVE work!)… Most days now, I feel almost normal.

And then, once a month, there are the days when I feel REALLY off. When I am feeling so useless that I am convinced my family would be much better off without me. Most likely, on those days, they would be.

So. Where are we now? Baby blues morphed into PND morphed into PMS? Or just your usual crazy bird?

*I did seek help earlier and was prescribed Diazepam and Cyclogest, which went into the bin after reading the long list of side effects. There must be a better solution!